Interview with The Melon Farmer

The Fool: Welcome everyone to the final installment of our series interviewing the top four finishes in our Fantasy Football League this year. So far we have had the pleasure of talking with winner Dewtastic, second placed Eddie and fourth placed Warsie. Today we have the delightful Melon Famer, aka Dr Sexy Beast aka the manager of third placed El Baconi’s Diablos. Welcome Melon Farmer, I hope you find the studio nice and comfy.
The Melon Farmer: Hi there Mr Fool, yeah the studio is quite nice and it is good to be here. Pity about the quality of beer though.
The Fool: Yeah, sorry about that my shipment of Apple Surprise hasn’t come through yet. Anyway, how about to start you tell us a bit about yourself?
The Melon Farmer: Well, I am a recovering Brit Pop addict who spends my days corralling road signs and nights listening to the cats fighting outside.
The Fool: Oh my, that does sound like an interesting story. However, exactly how long are your walks on the beach?
The Melon Farmer: Pretty much until my boys spot me, run me down and truss me like a rodeo calf.
The Fool: So at your age, about 5 minutes, unless the sand is particularity good for making sand castles. How about the league this year. Has the 2nd Annual 9642 Fantasy League changed you in anyway?
The Melon Farmer: Yes. I am even more driven to beat Edster now, he must go down in a flaming pile of pooey fail. Doesn’t need to be Fantasy League – Monopoly, Jenga, FPS, Tiddlywinks – I’m not fussy. Fred is number 2 in my sights.
The Fool: Well, now that is some fighting talk! So can you share some of your winning strategy with us simple plebs?
The Melon Farmer: Watch other managers teams and the players they front up. Be wary of big money strikers. And dabble cautiously with low priced high form players – has burnt me many times but also been a hella good deal other times (Hello Jamie Vardy a few weeks into the season). I normally keep at least one on my team for fun times.
Oh and those new special bonus multiplier boost things – I totally blew them. I waited until 2/3’s of the season was gone then panic used them. Don’t do what I did.
The Fool: That may be the best advice any of you top managers have given. Anyway, moving on from Fantasy Football, what do you like to do with your time outside of 9642 Fantasy Football?
The Melon Farmer: Chase my boys (my children, not my testicles), Xbone [sic] (Fallout 4 for the win), noodle on the guitar and program electronica, brew my own magnificent beer, remember the good old days pre-kids when I had time to mountain bike, drink Scotch, follow NHL ice hockey and MLB baseball, learn Swedish, renovate…and I started running! For fitness even , not because I’m being chased.
The Fool: Running for pleasure? Surely that is an oxymoron! Speaking of renovations, how’s the house? Finished renovating yet?
The Melon Farmer: How long is a piece of string? No house is every “truly” renovated or finished. Hope to add a second toilet soon, tired of always being 4th in line.
The Fool: Yeah I know how you feel, we have three in my house which includes a toddler still in nappies and yet there still seems to be queues of which I am at the back.
Also you are a Chelsea fan, so how can we lift the Eva the Doctor curse?
The Melon Farmer: Re-hire her! Ultimate “who’s your Daddy” call to JM and Man U next season.
The Fool: That is one way, although despite the fact that the Special One has left 😥 I don’t know if she would want to come back. So do you think Chelsea are going to win everything next year?
The Melon Farmer: The tea leaves are not giving anything up yet. I’d like to say yes but sadly I suspect Arsenal are going to run roughshod over the league next year. Chelsea need a long hard introspective look at themselves. Some may think me crazy but that thug Diego Costa needs to go.
The Fool: Him, Ivanović and Fàbregas should have gone in the January Transfer window instead of Jose in my opinion. They were the ones continuing the strife, although if Jose hadn’t started the Eva-curse I don’t think it would have been so bloody.
Anyway enough ranting about Chelsea’s woes, we just have time for a couple of fan questions. A Ms E Gallagher has written in to ask; If you could be any superhero, who would you be?
The Melon Farmer: Zlatan Ibrahimovich. Unless he signs with Man U. Oh wait…….doh!! Ok Spiderman then.
The Fool: I have no words for you. Finally a Miss C Fletcher asks: What is the best flavour of M&M?
The Melon Farmer: Crispy.
The Fool: Strangely that was Eddie’s answer as well, although like him you have failed to understand the questions as cripsy is a type of M&M not a flavour (or so NumberNine informs me.) So no M&M’s for you! I get to eat all the yummy yummy blue crispy ones!
Anyway, thank you Melon Farmer for coming in and having this chat with me, it has been a blast.
The Melon Farmer: No problems, it has been awesome. Now I need to go formulate a plan to defeat Eddie in the Euro 16 picking competition to prove my dominance over him.
The Fool: Yes i have seen that both of you have signed up, along with the other top 4 finishers from our fantasy league along with NumberNine and myself. There is still one week left for anyone else to join in and have a chance at winning a very excellent (but as yet undecided) prize!